ANGEL
Thursday, April 28, 2011    |    4:00 AM    |    3 comments
3 Comments:

Haha. Quite good. But Wang Lung is just TOO random.

By Blogger Raven and Wolf, at April 28, 2011 at 5:55 AM  

Awesome! Great language usage! But, Wang Lung, haha! But it's good! :]

By Blogger Sharifah Nur, at April 28, 2011 at 5:57 AM  

So, uh, I wrote a long comment and Blogger told me request couldn't be completed. :( I shall endeavor to replicate it as best as I can. I was asked by Miss Raven and Wolf to comment on this. *puts on teacher face* Eh hem.
There are some punctuation/spacing errors, but that's not really important, they're just some typos, I assume.
The dialogue seems somewhat stiff, particularly in "You. Come. With. Me." and " You are a student aren't you?". In the first case, I think it would be better as "You. Come with me.". I imagined it in my head, and perhaps its just me, but I think it's more fluent this way. In the second case, I think it just looks odd because nobody would actually say that....... would somebody? Not sure, but I think of it as "You're a student, aren't you?". Er. Sorry, seems a lil picky and shizz.
Then, the ending's kinda abrupt. I refer to the last paragraph (I like the last line:) Perhaps you could expand a lil more on the future, rather than briefly describing it. Or describe more, as you see fit.
I have *no* idea whether this can be considered as straying from the question.
I liked the plot and character, your writing flows pretty smoothly (except for above mentioned ending) and it all seems to blend in pretty well. However! Take more care for your typos and spacings!
Yeap, that's pretty much it, I guess. I think I'm missing something from the original comment, but I can't remember what.
And Miss Raven and Wolf and Miss Sharifah Nur, would you kindly improve your vocabulary and don't just describe with good? It's pretty vague, ya'know. Writers like detailed feedback. I should know. Oh, and being the shameless self-advertising guy I am, www.aesiflay.blogspot.com =D If you ever feel like reading random stuff.
Toodledoo!
-CerebrateBen
(I apologise for the length of comment)

By Blogger CerebrateBen, at April 28, 2011 at 6:22 AM  

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"7.30 p.m. already and not a single customer. How it makes my day."Peggy grumbled sarcastically under her breath.

That night, she had taken great pains to don on a skimpy dress that seemed to show a little too much of a cleavage. She had really hoped that today's business would be good but the day ( or should I say night ) had just seemed to disappoint her.

She was only sixteen and so easily had she given up on life.

A middle-aged man approached her and she smiled, finally some business. However, as the man drew closer and when she could finally see clearly the identity of the man, her smile died. This was Wang Lung, the notorious man who had been known to bring girls like her to hotels and torture them until they would scream for mercy.

"You. Come. With. Me." he demanded. When he saw no signs of complying on her face, he grabbed her arm and forcefully dragged her away with him. Of course she wouldn't obey, she kicked and screamed for help the entire way. She had lost hope in life but she did not want to die, not yet. No one stopped to help her, the most they did was to throw disgusted looks her way.

But he stopped.

He stopped to save her.

A man clad in a white suit grabbed hold of the arm that Wang Lung was holding her with. " I want her. Give her to me and you can have this." the man stated as he thrust a wad of notes infront of Wang Lung. Wang Lung looked Peggy then at the pile of notes. Thinking that she was not worth the sacrifice, he took the money and strode off.

The man in white enquired "Are you alright?" Peggy stared transfixed at his face. The features were beautifully shaped just as if it was chiseled out of jade. All she could do in response was to nod. After knowing that she was fine, he smiled. The neon signboards against the dark nigh sky all dimmed in comparison to his bright smile. His smile glowed like the sun. If she had not known better, she would have thought that he was her angel.

" You are a student aren't you?" he questioned " You shouldn't be doing such a thing at your age. Wher's your house? I'll send you back. Go back home and concentrate on your studies." he continued like a school teacher. Hearing his words, her tears cascaded down her cheeks involuntarily. She was a drop out and was also disowned by her parents. Even if she had wanted to, she could never go back home much less say go back to school. She cried as she explained to him her conditions.

Grabbing her hand, he coaxed " Then come with me. I'll be your guardian angel from now on. I'll teach you how learning, life and living is great. You should not waste your youth like this. " Upon his words, her tears flowed even more. Ever since the day she was disowned, no one had cared for her as much. Of course she went with him. He was her angel after all.

Under his wing, she reignited her passion for studying and started secondary school all over again. This time she will pass her exams with flying colours and continue to proceed to the universities. With "Angel's" help she will. To him she might still be a student but to her he was much more than the man she has fallen in love with. He was the angel that had guided her back to the light.
The funky doodle




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